From the heart of Ummu Ameer

23:08 5 May 2008.
Hari ini, untuk kali yang entah keberapa dalam hidup ini, aku menangis lagi.. Menangis rindu. Rindu yang tak terucap dan terungkap.. Menangis sendu. Sendu dgn perpisahan yang bakal dilalui.. Menangis kerisauan. Risau untuk sesuatu yang tidak pasti..

Hari ni semua ada dirumah..kecuali Umar. memang jarang nak dapat peluang cukup semua ada di rumah. Umar kat Intek.. tak lah jauh dari rumah. Malam semalam baru hantar dia balik hostel, hantar dgn ummi. Tapi hari ni mula rasa kekosongan, rasa rumah sepi bila Umar takde. Mungkin i am not used to any of us akan pergi tinggalkan rumah jauh.. especially my bros yang memang lah tak pernah g boarding school..

Really I can’t imagine how will I handle perpisahan dengan dia nanti.. itupun relatively sekejap.. 7 tahun, bukannya pergi untuk selama-lamanya. and i know the exact date he will depart for France..

Really I can’t imagine how will I handle perpisahan dengan anybody I love untuk selama-lamanya?… and i don’t even know the exat departure date.. so how can i be prepared?…

Weekend ni Umar start pergi solat jamaah di masjid near to our house.. I don’t know how grateful i feel.. and ummi bekalkan dia dgn banyak buku agama untuk dia baca dekat Intek.. ummi kata nak pergi negara orang putih, jangan lupa diri.. Ummi is so strong. I have never seen her crying, sedangkan i have shed tears untuk kali yg entah keberapa.. I told him to cari usrah kat sana, jangan tunggu orang ajak. Dia kata dia tahulah nanti. Maybe dia rasa I am being extra sissy, but i don’t really mind what he thinks. I feel so worried, kalau kat rumah, I have to wake him up every morning for Subh. Nasib baik our bedroom doors face each other. Nanti kat sana can he wake up early for Subh? And hari tu dia kata nak belajar masak. Kat rumah tak masak, rasa kesian nanti dia kena masak sendiri..

Mampu ke Umar stay as a true muslim di negara orang nanti? Maybe he doesn’t have any idea how worried I feel for him. How much I am going to miss him. How painful the separation will be. And how helpless I feel, that I can only pray for him, pray that Allah will always be with him. And he will develop and bloom as a true mujahid, And finally I can humbly assure myself that i have done my best as a sister..

Umar, ingatlah ini perjuanganmu, dan setiap perjuangan para mujahid itu impiannya cuma satu- Allah Almighty. Murnikan niatmu, perkasakan langkahmu. Biar Ummi Abah bangga melihatmu waja mendokong agama, biar Islam gemilang dengan usahamu mengangkatnya, biar musuh terpana menyaksikan semangatmu membara dan biar dirimu puas tatkala bertemu Kekasihmu nanti. Umar, terukan dengan perjuanganmu, dan kami akan mengutip sisa kekuatan meneruskan perjuangan di sini, sehingga satu hari nanti kita bertemu dan masing-masing mampu tersenyum ketundukan dalam keindahan pengabdian kpdNya.. We LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!

Few days ago:

Batul: Umar, kamu baca quran tak kat sana? (Being a worried sister, I enquired him regarding his stay in Intek)
Umar: Baca la
Batul: Kamu bawa quran ke?
Umar: (geleng kepala)
Batul: Haa kenapa tak bawa quran?
Umar: Terlupa (because Ummi packed his bag)
Ummi: pastu camane boleh ada quran?
Umar: PDA kan ada
Ummi: Dekat surau situ ada quran tak? Kamu pinjam satu bawa masuk bilik (eh suka suki je amik quran surau huuu)
Umar: Umar balik ni nak amik quran laa.
Ummi: pinjam je quran surau
Batul: Ummi, biarlah dia bawa quran personal dia, baru rasa attached.

Few months ago:

Ummi: Umar kamu dah baca quran ke belum? Ummi tak nampak pun kamu pegang quran
Umar: Dah. Baca dlm PDA laa
Ummi: Isyy mana boleh. Tak sama
Umar: Apa pulak. Sama je ummi ni
Ummi: Tak. kam kena baca jugak quran betul tu (dlm PDA tu quran tipu ke?? hehe)
Batul: Ummi, sama je lah PDA ke, kitab ke.. quran juga =)

“Seorang mak, takkan cakap walaupun dia sedih…”

I have hard this sentence numerous times in my 22 years of life. And last week, i heard it coming from my own mother. Desensitization is definitely not the case. Kalau dah dengar sejuta kali pun, i would still make me feel sad and tersentuh..

Actually we were talking about what if a son get married without telling the parents. My bro will insyaAllah study abroad, so we kind of discussed what if after 6 years of studying, he returns home with a WIFE! Because a son doesn’t need the father to be wali right?

Seorang ummu, selalu menyimpan rasa.. so macamana nak tahu whether we have done anything wrong to them? And eveytime i hear that sentence, i will wonder for the umpteenth time, ummi pernah tak terasa hati with my perbuatan, perkataan or anything.. And for the umpteenth time, i would feel sad and regretful..

And everytime i am reminded of this, i can’t wait to go back home. konon konon boleh hapuskan dosa la if try wat baik dgn parents =) KAsih seorang ibu selalu membuatkan kita rindu utk pulang ke pangkuannya..

macam 2 nasyeeds that i EXTREMELY LOVE

permata ayah bonda-

Mewangi kuntuman bahagia
Di halaman ayah serta bonda
Menatang selaut cahaya
Melerai resah dan gundah di jiwa
Segunung impian dicita

Engkaulah permata ayah bonda….

And Belaian Ibu..

Tertanam naluri keibuan amat mendalam
Di jiwa insan yang mendambakan kebahagiaan
Oh? ibu

Bersemi belaian kasih sayang nan berpanjangan
Darimu insan yang mendoakan kebahagiaan anak-anakmu
Oh? Ibu

And what is wrong with asking for an apology from them from time to time with no obvious reason? Nothing wrong indeed..=)

recently i like to listen to this song..

Bila bertalu rentak di kalbu
Hasrat tersirat semakin kuburu
Bila bergema laungan gempita
Harapan bernyala nadiku berganda

Gemuruh jiwa semangat membara
Dari puncak ingin keangkasa
Berkalungkan bintang berkelipan
Menyerlah jauh dari yang biasa

Ungkapan ini bukan sekadar bermimpi
Segalanya pasti kan terbukti nanti

Harapnya betul2 la jadi semangat. Is ‘20 mins of reading and 10 mins of break’ counted in? -sigh-

i feel sad and i feel like pouring it out and that is what i am going to do right after this, right in this page. so don’t bother to read it anyway..this morning kakak told me, umar have received the offer to further his study in France (JPA scholarship), but he hasn’t accepted it.

Actually he planned to ettend the UTP camp as part of the interview to win UTP scholarship, so I guess he won’t be going there after all..

He knew about the France thing last night and he has performed istikharah prayer.. that is what he want anyway. And I feel happy for him.

Just now he received a call from JPA, informing him that he has to attend the French language course this monday for 1 month.

And after 1 month, he’ll insyaAllah depart for france

Can I really absorb that?? 1month from now!! It was such a rush, such a surprise. I feel happy indeed for him, that my little bro whom I home-tutored for SPM will be flying to France to go after his dream. He’s really a young adult now.. and yet i feel very sad inside, not to mention that i am worried as well..

Ummi looks cool but I know she’s acting strong. She’s the mum after all!! And I worry so much, living in an unIslamic country, will he be able to retain his muslim values? Will he be strong in living a muslim life? Will he be close to the Quran as close as he is to it now? I’m acting like a nanny, oh my. He’s a young adult after all.. May Allah guide him forever..

Yesterday a friend came to my room. She asked me a jackpot question, “Macamana nak rasa semangat belajar kerana Allah?”. I answered, “Mula-mula kena rasa besyukur dulu dgn apa yg kita ada. Bila kita rasa bersyukur, kita akan cuba buat yg terbaik untuk menghargai”. Dia tanya lagi, “Macamana nak rasa besyukur pula?” I answered “Dengan menyedari bahawa Allah hadiahkan pada kita sesuatu yang orang lain termimpi2 untuk miliki.” Tapi macamana kalau kita nak betul2 dapat RASAi dalam hati syukur tu? Terkedu..

Soal hati bukan soal yang mudah untuk diurus. Extremely hard to be handled! Macamana pula kalau aqal bagi hujah rasional, tapi hati enggan menuruti. Aqal kata kena study sebab itu tanggungjawab sebagai hamba Allah, bilamana dah diamanahkan dengan sesuatu taklifan, maka perlu digalasi sesempurna mungkin. Tapi hati tak rasa gembira dan bersemangat pun? Kalau Cerebromedullospinal DISCONNECTION boleh hasilkan Locked-in Syndrome, apatah lagi Cerebro-Limbic-Qalb DISCONNECTION?? Parah nih

That was the last one… today’s case study was the last case study in PBL. Next week’s PBL session will be the last session 2 of PBL huhu. i’m feeling sentimental in leaving preclinical years?? huhu aye aye here come clinical years.. I won’t be able to thank my PBL-mates enough just for being my PBL-mates. We did learnt lot of stuff together throughout the 2 years of PBL-ing. Despite the fact most of the time we just talked nonsense (due to lack of knowledge but somehow silence would clearly be too intolerable??) Yup, we did learnt a lot since the first scarying and teary session with Dr Falah =P. May Allah bless us all, may He continue to ease our journey in searching for excellence, may He guide us through each and every step, may He grant us all success in this dunya wal akhirah!

We were in the lift when somebody asked me, “Can thrombosis occur in the vein?” Then I answered bluntly “We do have a condition called Deep Vein Thrombosis”. Suddenly her face lightened and brightened up, she looked very excited similar to the expression of an innocent child when she gets an ice cream, “YES, BETUL LA PANDAINYA!!!!” I was extremely surprised by that unexpected reaction and burst into laughter “Huh??”

What syndrome should I call that? Huhu probably the medical students esp the IIUM medical students are in such a stressful period of Professional Exam time-territory.. The brain being fed with unimaginable amount of medical facts that discovering such a simple fact as ‘Deep Vein Thrombosis does exists’ can be a WONDERFUL experience hahaha

And I think I’m turning into a statue. A statue of a “medical student ‘hovering’ over a laptop”. Huhu. I don’t have any idea what I am doing staring at the laptop for hours! Berangan huh? So long, that I have to prop up a pillow on the chair just to support my vertebra. Isn’t my vertebra the one who has to support my body? Now I’m truly confused.. And suddenly I am haunted by the thought of getting Deep Vein Thrombosis, because I’m in a condition that is not much different from spending 10 hours on the aeroplane.

Oh my, I really need to take a break and talk to real people rather than babbling here.. Subhanallah

A Ghazel by Prof. Haroun Mustapha Leon, M.A., Ph.D., F.S.P.
[from the 'Islamic Review vol. 3 1915']

So long as the heart doth pulsate and beat,

So long as the sun bestows light and heat,

So long as the blood thro’ our veins doth flow,

So long as the mind in knowledge doth grow,

So long as the tongue retains power of speech,

So long as wise men true wisdom do teach,

The praise of God’s prophet, Ahmed the best,

Shall flow from our lips and spring from our breast.

‘Twas Rosul-Allah from darkness of night

Did lead us to Truth, did give to us Light,

Did point out the path, which follow’d with zest,

Leadeth to Islam and gives Peace and Rest.

Praise be to Allah! ‘Twas He who did send

Ahmed Muhammed, our Prophet, our Friend.

A friend told me her problem.. she wanted to be engaged. The prob is the man hasn’t asked for her hand in marriage. So I justified that maybe the man is not ready. I mean she doesn’t want to get married now anyway. She said she just want to be engaged and not married. So I asked her “Are you sure?” What is the benefit of being engaged and not married? Utk ketenangan hati. Hahaha. Are you sure?? So I told her, but if you are engaged and not married, lagi teruk nanti. Banyak penyakit hati pulak. I don’t know..

Then she asked me something that sounds like mcmna communictn btween psgn bertunang in Islam? Huhu susah nak jawab tu..To be truthful.. I don’t know. Then I started to make a sound that resembles “emm.. aa emm i think…: when she cut me short by saying “It’s a gray area?” Immediately I said “YES”, relieved hehe.

Some people say an engaged couple can’t look at each other’s picture, but there’s a hadith which says that one should look at the person that they are going to marry so that love would form between them.

Some people say that an engaged couple can’t talk to eachother on the phone.

Some people say that an engaged couple should talk to each other on the phone so that they will know each other better, but they have to limit the frequncy of call.

Some people say that an engaged couple should not sms each other because it is a source of fitnah. but some say they should.

What about YM? To some people that is even worse because you don’t have to think how much you have to pay for each message sent unlike sms.. and that will create a tendency to go even astray farther

Really I don’t know myself. Probably those who are engaged or well versed in this area should educate us =P