From the heart of Ummu Ameer

I walked past the toilet on the ground floor.. it stinks like anything.. urea haha
I entered the library and was greeted by bored-face librarians wearing green outfits
I sat in the teachers’ room and the sound of spinning fans, the afternoon heat and the faraway sound of boring conversations.. no nursery rhymes or lullabies are better to put me to sleep
I walked in the corridors, passing through bilik pendidikan seni and mony other rooms..
I climbed the dark stairs to the class and felt nauseated by the smell of crashed eggs
I looked at the school compound, covered by wheat floor
I encountered a fight among the students, each claiming the other threw tepung at the other..

5 years after i have left the school, Ahhh, some things just won’t change after all

I always wonder, behind everything that happens, what would the hikmah be? Most of the times it is hard to feel grateful with whatever we have until something happens and enlightens us on the hidden hikmah.. and we would never fail to feel ashame.. Malu dgn siapa? Malu pd Allah sebab Dia selalu memberikan yang terbaik sedangkan kita terlalu payah untuk bersabar.

Yes we know, that each and everyone of us was created with purpose- a general purpose which is to be a khalifah. But I always wonder why am I destined to be a female instead of male? Why am i choosen by Him to be the second child out of 5 siblings? Why am I doing medicine right now? Why does Allah give me specific characteristics- a combination of specific mahmudah and mazmumah attributes which creates the personality I’m wearing right now? And so many other things..

And Allah told us in the Quran that He doesn’t creates us just for fun.. each of us creates a special meaning, carve a unique template and marks our individual existence in this world with specific purposes.. And i keep wondering.. And the duration varies.. A baby born and allowed to live for a few seconds and then he dies.. don’t you think that is amazing. One might said, it would be better if he is never fertilized, never conceived at all.. then he won’t initially brings hope to his parents and in an instant create a space for grievances.. it is so purposeless..

If only… if only we realize that in things as small as ‘burping is relieving and it ultimately points to the grandeur of Allah the Almighty’.. then our life will be a wonderful experience full of discovery and gratitude.. And the ultra short existence of a baby is actually a motivation for the parent to lead a better life so that insyaAllah one day they’ll meet again in paradise.. the sorrow is indeed a blessing in disguise..but how often does that actually takes place?? -sigh-…

1 more week before our professional exam. Dlm kesibukan nak cram everything into the brain.. sometimes i feel like i miss some small things yet extremely important.. things that paint and colour my life, things that give meaning to my routine, things that make my everyday experiences so different.. things as small as berteleku atas sejadah in the darkness of the night, meluahkan rindu dan sendu dalam munajat kepadaNya or a having a strong feeling that hidup di dunia ni is just for a while.. semuanya sementara dan kita kan pulang jua…

Things that will take away the exam burden, knowing that life itself is an important exam which can’t be repeated or resit. Things that will make you feel a personal problem such as a marriage is so small and there are so many things left in the box to be enjoyed and cherished.

And suddenly in the madness of approaching exam, seakan akan waktu terhenti seketika, forcing me tro ponder upon what kind of life i have had lately. Mcm hilang segala kekuatan untuk terus melangkah, lalu ku tutup buku akademik, memberi laluan untuk bertapa seketika

And i realize that the world doesn’t revolves around me alone. And it makes me feel at ease. And in the same time i realize that i have to continue struggling and striving for excellence in the exam, because that is part of my jihad. Alhamdulillah, waktu yang terhenti place me back on the right track. Alhamdulillah

23:08 5 May 2008.
Hari ini, untuk kali yang entah keberapa dalam hidup ini, aku menangis lagi.. Menangis rindu. Rindu yang tak terucap dan terungkap.. Menangis sendu. Sendu dgn perpisahan yang bakal dilalui.. Menangis kerisauan. Risau untuk sesuatu yang tidak pasti..

Hari ni semua ada dirumah..kecuali Umar. memang jarang nak dapat peluang cukup semua ada di rumah. Umar kat Intek.. tak lah jauh dari rumah. Malam semalam baru hantar dia balik hostel, hantar dgn ummi. Tapi hari ni mula rasa kekosongan, rasa rumah sepi bila Umar takde. Mungkin i am not used to any of us akan pergi tinggalkan rumah jauh.. especially my bros yang memang lah tak pernah g boarding school..

Really I can’t imagine how will I handle perpisahan dengan dia nanti.. itupun relatively sekejap.. 7 tahun, bukannya pergi untuk selama-lamanya. and i know the exact date he will depart for France..

Really I can’t imagine how will I handle perpisahan dengan anybody I love untuk selama-lamanya?… and i don’t even know the exat departure date.. so how can i be prepared?…

Weekend ni Umar start pergi solat jamaah di masjid near to our house.. I don’t know how grateful i feel.. and ummi bekalkan dia dgn banyak buku agama untuk dia baca dekat Intek.. ummi kata nak pergi negara orang putih, jangan lupa diri.. Ummi is so strong. I have never seen her crying, sedangkan i have shed tears untuk kali yg entah keberapa.. I told him to cari usrah kat sana, jangan tunggu orang ajak. Dia kata dia tahulah nanti. Maybe dia rasa I am being extra sissy, but i don’t really mind what he thinks. I feel so worried, kalau kat rumah, I have to wake him up every morning for Subh. Nasib baik our bedroom doors face each other. Nanti kat sana can he wake up early for Subh? And hari tu dia kata nak belajar masak. Kat rumah tak masak, rasa kesian nanti dia kena masak sendiri..

Mampu ke Umar stay as a true muslim di negara orang nanti? Maybe he doesn’t have any idea how worried I feel for him. How much I am going to miss him. How painful the separation will be. And how helpless I feel, that I can only pray for him, pray that Allah will always be with him. And he will develop and bloom as a true mujahid, And finally I can humbly assure myself that i have done my best as a sister..

Umar, ingatlah ini perjuanganmu, dan setiap perjuangan para mujahid itu impiannya cuma satu- Allah Almighty. Murnikan niatmu, perkasakan langkahmu. Biar Ummi Abah bangga melihatmu waja mendokong agama, biar Islam gemilang dengan usahamu mengangkatnya, biar musuh terpana menyaksikan semangatmu membara dan biar dirimu puas tatkala bertemu Kekasihmu nanti. Umar, terukan dengan perjuanganmu, dan kami akan mengutip sisa kekuatan meneruskan perjuangan di sini, sehingga satu hari nanti kita bertemu dan masing-masing mampu tersenyum ketundukan dalam keindahan pengabdian kpdNya.. We LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!