From the heart of Ummu Ameer

Few days ago:

Batul: Umar, kamu baca quran tak kat sana? (Being a worried sister, I enquired him regarding his stay in Intek)
Umar: Baca la
Batul: Kamu bawa quran ke?
Umar: (geleng kepala)
Batul: Haa kenapa tak bawa quran?
Umar: Terlupa (because Ummi packed his bag)
Ummi: pastu camane boleh ada quran?
Umar: PDA kan ada
Ummi: Dekat surau situ ada quran tak? Kamu pinjam satu bawa masuk bilik (eh suka suki je amik quran surau huuu)
Umar: Umar balik ni nak amik quran laa.
Ummi: pinjam je quran surau
Batul: Ummi, biarlah dia bawa quran personal dia, baru rasa attached.

Few months ago:

Ummi: Umar kamu dah baca quran ke belum? Ummi tak nampak pun kamu pegang quran
Umar: Dah. Baca dlm PDA laa
Ummi: Isyy mana boleh. Tak sama
Umar: Apa pulak. Sama je ummi ni
Ummi: Tak. kam kena baca jugak quran betul tu (dlm PDA tu quran tipu ke?? hehe)
Batul: Ummi, sama je lah PDA ke, kitab ke.. quran juga =)

“Seorang mak, takkan cakap walaupun dia sedih…”

I have hard this sentence numerous times in my 22 years of life. And last week, i heard it coming from my own mother. Desensitization is definitely not the case. Kalau dah dengar sejuta kali pun, i would still make me feel sad and tersentuh..

Actually we were talking about what if a son get married without telling the parents. My bro will insyaAllah study abroad, so we kind of discussed what if after 6 years of studying, he returns home with a WIFE! Because a son doesn’t need the father to be wali right?

Seorang ummu, selalu menyimpan rasa.. so macamana nak tahu whether we have done anything wrong to them? And eveytime i hear that sentence, i will wonder for the umpteenth time, ummi pernah tak terasa hati with my perbuatan, perkataan or anything.. And for the umpteenth time, i would feel sad and regretful..

And everytime i am reminded of this, i can’t wait to go back home. konon konon boleh hapuskan dosa la if try wat baik dgn parents =) KAsih seorang ibu selalu membuatkan kita rindu utk pulang ke pangkuannya..

macam 2 nasyeeds that i EXTREMELY LOVE

permata ayah bonda-

Mewangi kuntuman bahagia
Di halaman ayah serta bonda
Menatang selaut cahaya
Melerai resah dan gundah di jiwa
Segunung impian dicita

Engkaulah permata ayah bonda….

And Belaian Ibu..

Tertanam naluri keibuan amat mendalam
Di jiwa insan yang mendambakan kebahagiaan
Oh? ibu

Bersemi belaian kasih sayang nan berpanjangan
Darimu insan yang mendoakan kebahagiaan anak-anakmu
Oh? Ibu

And what is wrong with asking for an apology from them from time to time with no obvious reason? Nothing wrong indeed..=)

recently i like to listen to this song..

Bila bertalu rentak di kalbu
Hasrat tersirat semakin kuburu
Bila bergema laungan gempita
Harapan bernyala nadiku berganda

Gemuruh jiwa semangat membara
Dari puncak ingin keangkasa
Berkalungkan bintang berkelipan
Menyerlah jauh dari yang biasa

Ungkapan ini bukan sekadar bermimpi
Segalanya pasti kan terbukti nanti

Harapnya betul2 la jadi semangat. Is ‘20 mins of reading and 10 mins of break’ counted in? -sigh-

i feel sad and i feel like pouring it out and that is what i am going to do right after this, right in this page. so don’t bother to read it anyway..this morning kakak told me, umar have received the offer to further his study in France (JPA scholarship), but he hasn’t accepted it.

Actually he planned to ettend the UTP camp as part of the interview to win UTP scholarship, so I guess he won’t be going there after all..

He knew about the France thing last night and he has performed istikharah prayer.. that is what he want anyway. And I feel happy for him.

Just now he received a call from JPA, informing him that he has to attend the French language course this monday for 1 month.

And after 1 month, he’ll insyaAllah depart for france

Can I really absorb that?? 1month from now!! It was such a rush, such a surprise. I feel happy indeed for him, that my little bro whom I home-tutored for SPM will be flying to France to go after his dream. He’s really a young adult now.. and yet i feel very sad inside, not to mention that i am worried as well..

Ummi looks cool but I know she’s acting strong. She’s the mum after all!! And I worry so much, living in an unIslamic country, will he be able to retain his muslim values? Will he be strong in living a muslim life? Will he be close to the Quran as close as he is to it now? I’m acting like a nanny, oh my. He’s a young adult after all.. May Allah guide him forever..

Yesterday a friend came to my room. She asked me a jackpot question, “Macamana nak rasa semangat belajar kerana Allah?”. I answered, “Mula-mula kena rasa besyukur dulu dgn apa yg kita ada. Bila kita rasa bersyukur, kita akan cuba buat yg terbaik untuk menghargai”. Dia tanya lagi, “Macamana nak rasa besyukur pula?” I answered “Dengan menyedari bahawa Allah hadiahkan pada kita sesuatu yang orang lain termimpi2 untuk miliki.” Tapi macamana kalau kita nak betul2 dapat RASAi dalam hati syukur tu? Terkedu..

Soal hati bukan soal yang mudah untuk diurus. Extremely hard to be handled! Macamana pula kalau aqal bagi hujah rasional, tapi hati enggan menuruti. Aqal kata kena study sebab itu tanggungjawab sebagai hamba Allah, bilamana dah diamanahkan dengan sesuatu taklifan, maka perlu digalasi sesempurna mungkin. Tapi hati tak rasa gembira dan bersemangat pun? Kalau Cerebromedullospinal DISCONNECTION boleh hasilkan Locked-in Syndrome, apatah lagi Cerebro-Limbic-Qalb DISCONNECTION?? Parah nih

That was the last one… today’s case study was the last case study in PBL. Next week’s PBL session will be the last session 2 of PBL huhu. i’m feeling sentimental in leaving preclinical years?? huhu aye aye here come clinical years.. I won’t be able to thank my PBL-mates enough just for being my PBL-mates. We did learnt lot of stuff together throughout the 2 years of PBL-ing. Despite the fact most of the time we just talked nonsense (due to lack of knowledge but somehow silence would clearly be too intolerable??) Yup, we did learnt a lot since the first scarying and teary session with Dr Falah =P. May Allah bless us all, may He continue to ease our journey in searching for excellence, may He guide us through each and every step, may He grant us all success in this dunya wal akhirah!